“It is the lost game or missed opportunity that teaches us valuable life lessons. As parents we want to shield our children from these moments. But protecting prevents them from learning a deeper, more valuable lesson… Preparing our children, and ourselves, for life includes getting the bump and bruise, standing back up and knowing the next time, I can handle this.”
The Necessity of Struggle
In my nearly twenty years working in and around higher education — as a coach, consultant, and mental game expert — I’ve interacted with thousands of young men and women. I’ve found there’s one consistent theme that hinders many individuals; the inability to handle adversity.
According to the American Psychological Association, 59% of teens say balancing all their activities causes stress. Today’s youth are growing up in a fast-paced, competitive, ever-changing world. The pressures of academics, college admissions, and social media weigh heavily on them. But these challenges, uncomfortable as they are, are essential for developing critical life skills such as problem-solving, persistence, and self-regulation.
Struggle isn’t pleasant — but it’s necessary for growth. It fosters confidence, resilience, and a growth mindset. It teaches us that discomfort is not danger; it’s opportunity.
The Science Behind Struggle
Ashley Cullins, in her article “7 Reasons Why It’s Important to Let Your Kids Struggle” (Big Life Journal), explains the concept of neuroplasticity — the brain’s ability to change and grow throughout life. When we attempt difficult tasks, our brains adapt and become more capable. As Cullins writes, “With challenge comes struggle, with struggle comes learning and growth.”
Similarly, Stanford Professor Jo Boaler, in Why Struggle Is Essential for the Brain and Our Lives (edsurge.com), states:
“Neuroscientists have found that mistakes are helpful for brain growth and connectivity, and if we are not struggling, we are not learning.”
The science is clear: embracing struggle builds the brain, strengthens character, and fuels lifelong learning.
A Plea to Parents
Julie Lythcott-Haims, former Dean of Freshmen at Stanford, tells us in her book How to Raise an Adult, that we are not raising children — we are raising adults.
As parents, we want our children to succeed, to be happy, to feel safe. But too often, our efforts to protect them end up undermining their growth. When we step in to solve every problem or cushion every fall, we deny them the chance to learn independence and self-efficacy.
The greatest gift we can give our children is not protection from struggle, but the freedom to struggle — to experience failure, recover, and build confidence in their own abilities.
“If you do too much for your kids you build your self-esteem by stealing theirs”
-Dr. Daniel Amen
A Challenge to Adolescents
To every young person reading this: don’t be afraid to fail. You will learn more from your lowest moments than from your highest achievements. Struggle builds strength. It teaches you who you are and what you’re capable of. Embrace the challenge.
“Failure is positive feedback.”
-Sports Psychologist Ken Ravizza
Struggle and the Recruiting Process
For student-athletes navigating the college recruiting journey, struggle is part of the process. Here’s how to handle it:
- Ownership – Be the driver of your recruitment. Check your email daily, respond promptly, and speak for yourself. You’re the one going to college — take charge.
- Be Proactive – Problems rarely solve themselves. Take the first step, even if it’s hard.
- Challenge Everything – Be open-minded. Don’t chase reputation or rankings. Find the right fit for you.
- Don’t Fear Options – Choices can feel overwhelming, but they’re a sign of success. This stress is a privilege, embrace it.
- Find Balance – Yes, it’s a lot to juggle. But balance isn’t about perfection — it’s about learning to manage pressure.
- Ask for Help – Taking ownership doesn’t mean going it alone. Seek guidance when you need it.
Conclusion
Struggle, struggle, struggle. It may seem counterintuitive, even painful — but it is vital for success. To every young athlete: it’s okay to feel worried, stressed, or uncertain. What’s not okay is letting that fear stop you from pursuing your dreams.
And to every parent: give your children the tools to navigate life — then give them the space to use those tools. Support them when they fall, but let them do the climbing.
“When there is no struggle, there is no progress.”
— Frederick Douglas
Donovan Tennis Strategies
Donovan Tennis Strategies has been helping prospective college tennis players and their families navigate the recruiting process since 1997. In addition to consulting services DTS runs three College Prospects Showcases to help players get exposure to college coaches.
